thanks to those who cared for me.. i will stay strong to carry on the battle.. till now i'm still feeling nauseous.. the feeling of nauseousness after eating anything, even soya bean milk is worse..

however, i must overcome it.. i keep telling myself i must at least have something even though i feel nauseous.. yah, i tried to swallow it.. a bit at a time.. i tell myself even though if my gastric reject the food i will still swallow it, as long as i perserve i will get well.. i wanted to get myself admitted to the A&E and get myself treated but the waiting list is very long, i'm afraid i couldn't wait that long, that's why i have to help myself now..

i understand that doctors can't help me much as everything will still depend on me.. therefore, i need to help myself now.. i will stay strong to fight this battle against ED and mild depression.. i will and i want to get myself treated..

somehow, i feel i learnt to treasure things around me, i will appreciate things what people around me has done for me.. i have learn not to take things for granted.. every causes has it reasons therefore, treasure everything around you.. i learnt to say thank you to show i appreciate them for what they have done..

things i need to clarify.. dear, you are never a petty guy.. you are the one who really showed me what true love is.. always there for me when i'm down.. never failed to treat people around you so nice.. you're a family man, you know how to take care of your family and me.. a fillial guy.. kind hearted and never failed to make me smile.. in fact you are selfless, you think of others more than you think of yourself.. this is one of the hundreds and thousands reason i make you as my bf..

this is why i'm deeply attracted by you.. i'm sorry if my blog had reflected you as a bad guy over here.. i have no intentions of making others feel bad about you..

i can really remembered very clearly, every single little things you have done and every little efforts you have put in our r/s..

i'm really depressed, somehow i feel nobody in this world cares about me.. i have no one by my side now.. i need someone to talk to, will you be by my side?

at this moment, i felt really sick, i've been feeling very breathless, heartbeat beats very fast for 3 hours le.. i don't want to be tortured like this, god please take me away..
everything is far too much i can take it..

i've been very stress ever since after my chalet, really stress.. i felt very ashamed of my relatives, the next day i reaached home the 1st thing i do was to apologise to those who had attended my birthday party.. another thing that really bothers me is what kailian say about me.. you know when you tell me that, i'm really scared that i have made you no face in front of your friends but dear really i didn't... i don't know why she will say this.. i'm very scared you will leave me as you felt i really let you lost your self esteem in front of them.. that day, i finally broke down in front of you, i cried.. another thing, tuitions haven't been very smooth for me.. the yck parent want to terminate me, at this point of time i lost another source of income, my feeling was right,the parent don't like me.. next, i've been sending lots of resumes, going for interviews, but there was no response at all.. i don't know why.. everybody is saying that i'm not working hard enough to find a job, ask me to accept any amount of salary being offered.. but the fact is they don't want me..
my family is very financially tight and now i lost another source of income it is really a blow to me.. now, you and ruyou left me.. i really cannot take it.. dear, i really wanted to share all this with you but you say all this doesn't lead to the source of breaking up.. that day when you ask me about my msn nick, what do i want to be out of? my reply was 'put it just for fun'.. its not for fun, i really want to be out of everything.. out of this situation..

i really felt like ending everything, i meant my life, i already had my last word prepared.. everything is really really far too much of what i can take.. no one is at my side to support me and i really meant no one.. i'm really lonely in this world, i can't find anyone to stay by my side..
perhaps i really deserve this..

all this is so sudden, few days ago we were just celebrating our 9mth anniversary, going to my grandmother house together.. you just celebrated my 21st with me.. we were even planning for things.. you even asked me to join you for your godma birthday celebration.. everything came by is just so sudden that i can't accept..

you said, i need time to put down this relationship, to heal my pain.. but its not going to work.. you know i really set you as my only one, the last guy in my life, nothing else i can ever complain or unhappy with..we're the only one who know how much we've been through to be together.. i hope you will think of everything that we've been through, all our 1st time for each other.. 1st time we went sky dining, 1st time we felt so much in love with each other, 1st time we're so serious in r/s, on top of that there are still many other 1st time and sweet memories we done together..

junxuan has really fallen, please someone support her and guide her through..

i couldn't sleep again.. it was 3.21am in the morning now.. i only had hardly less than an hour sleep and i woke up again.. i kept tossing in my bed.. my asthma getting worse, these few days also everyday will have difficulty in breathing, feeling real breathless,heartbeat beats very fast.. very 'nan shou'..

dear, i know what you are doing but i don't know what really your mind is thinking..i know you change all your status to single,remove our photos is to make me put down on you.. i understand what you are doing.. dear, i really don't believe that there's no love existence between us right down, can we make this out? we really love each other, give us another chance.. i will make things work out this time, we are not wasting time.. i have done my promise to you, i changed my temper.. i really treasure you .. it was after the last quarrel that i realise that all the while you've been putting in effort.. but dear, i will never let you down, don't give up on us.. its wasn't an easy journey for us to come to this far.. i came across this quote today:

"The best thing about loving and being hurt is that you get to know what true love really is. For as gold is tested in fire, and so will love be perfected in pain."

dear, if you ever feel tired, think of our happy memories, the wonderful times we spend together.. things that we've done for each other and how we keep each other going on.. right now, i am really changing, believe me.. wonderful memories are the strength that keep us going on.. if ever you feel tired, you need time, i will let you be alone.. i'm really worried if there's anything happening or probing you..

everyday i wake up, i hope that this isn't true, i hope that nothing has ever happened between us and we're still happily together.. our blissful r/s.. god punished me for taking me away from you.. at times i do ask god, god why did you want to bring me to this world if i had to suffer? if you ever see me suffering, please take me away to end all my sufferings for you love this child of yours..
dear, I do cherish you, from the depths of my soul, it's beyond my control, I've waited so long, to say this to you, if you're asking do I love you this much, I do. .If my love for you were water, it would be as vast as an ocean..

there are so many things i want to share with you but i can't, i need to keep all the emotions to myself, i really can't take this anymore..no one will be there to share the burden with me, i have lost you as my companion and my soul mate..

trust me, i really tried to be strong to carry on the battle but i failed.. i have done my best.. i'm too tired to carry on anymore.. i pray to god, i ask him to take this child of his away if he know i'm suffering.. to stop all my sufferings and pain now..
if ever i were to leave this world, the greatest regret is i've failed to saved this r/s..

my mind was filled you, everything seems to be related to you.. i'm really tired, i really have lost the strength.. i really yearns for a hug, a hug from you to keep me carry on.. i took out the big elmo you gave me, whenever i look at him, i think of you.. i hug it real tight, tears rolled down as i think of our memories, the days we spent together.. i told elmo, how i wish you were right in front of me now, to keep me carry on, you will wipe my tears off my cheeks,hug me tight and a kiss on my forehead.. i look at the video you have made for our 8th month anniversary.. no matter when i open the clip it was still so touching, just like the day when i open the video clip.. tears would roll down ..

today you were suppose to meet me but in the end you told me you are not meeting me anymore.. you will meet me on saturday.. i know you are not ready to meet me, i understand and i won't force you..

i really wish i can be out of here, out of this 'shang xing di'.. i plan to go genting on my own to get some breathing space.. i don't know by doing this i will be feeling even worse or better.. one thing for sure that i know is, i can't take all this anymore, i need to be out of here.. let me disappear in this world for once..

one thing i want you to know, i know sometimes i tend to be naggy at you but i never thought of controlling you.. on top of that, sometimes I may ‘nag’ at you at things like, if you got money must save don’t anyhow spend. I know that you want to do many changes to your car but do it when you’re financially stable. Take things one at a step. Sometimes when you stay out late the whole night I will ask you to rest well, especially the next day if u have work, try not to rest so late, later the next morning you can’t concentrate on work.. I know friends maybe important but try not to get back home so late and get some rest..

dear, i will give you the time to be alone even though you have broken off with me.. i know you must have work too hard, that's why you need to be alone.. you have done a good job in maintaining this relationship through this far..

i felt really tired, but i couldn't fall asleep.. everyday i would only get the maximum of 2hr of sleep and i would wake up automatically.. i thought of using alcohol to make myself feel numb, at the very least i would be tired and can get some rest.. i wouldn't think of anything at that moment.. i have no appetite at all, i couldn't force anything down my throat,the moment i see food i felt nauseous.. i know i need food to keep me running but really i tried my best, whenever i see food i felt like vomitting..


someone please tell me what to do,lead me out of this place..

it was 5.20am in the morning now.. i couldn't slp.. slept for less than 2hours and i wake up again..
i thought of calling you to wake up now for work but i'm afraid you will be annoyed.. i hold back.. there are many things i want to do for you now.. i want to prepare breakfast and lunch if times allow for you to work.. telling you how important you are to me..
i know whatever i do now will be futile, as you're very determined to remain friends with me.. i will wait for you.. let time changes things, but never change the love we once had for each other.. i still want to be your dear, every night have a gd nite kiss on my forehead, with you whispering'dear gd night'.. the next morning wake up i get a gd bye kiss from you before you left for work.. i can still prepare food for you to eat to fill your tummy.. to be able to get your love, care and concern from you once again.. when i'm down, you will be there for me, giving me a genuine warm hug, a 'pooh' huggies, wipe my tears off when i cried..

dear, you know what? the roses you bought for me for our 8mth anniversary is still at my house.. i did not throw it away.. i does not want this to be the last bouquet of roses you are giving me.. i can never forget our wonderful memories, even till now tears will row down my cheek when thinking of it.. all my mind is you.. never ever once, not even once i felt so deeply hurt/depress before even during the previous break ups with my ex.. i have never ever tried or want to salvage it.. its only you, cause i know you're worth it, i really fix my eyes on you as my life time companion.. a true listener..

i can never ever forget all the things you have done for me.. the difference between us is 'i cannot live w/o you but you can still carry on with your life w/o me'..

i tried not to let my emotions run over me.. i think it through, i will change myself to be a better person for now.. so that by the times you see me, maybe we will still have chances together.. i will respect your decision,i won't make you feel uncomfortable.. i know you won't be feeling good right now..

i'm really heart broken.. he has left me.. he email me to say that

It will nv be the same if we are back together again n again.. I know wad I want n I know there’s no future for us.. we are better in the being good frens rather than lovers.. I know this is going to be a big blow for u.. I dun wan to waste ur time.. ur thinking, behavior, character, is totally different from mine.. sorry to say this.. I’m not the one for u.. there are many better guys out there.. all u need is time to put down this relationship.. I’ve made up my mind.. I will still be there for u if u need any help from me.. as I still treat u as my good fren.. I treasure our friendship.. sorry..

at that point of time, i really break down.. my tears flow like tap water, i couldn't control..
i can never accept that this is the truth.. i respect your decision but i will not compromise to a break off..

he change his status in facebook and friendster all to single.. even our photos he changed..
he really wants a clean cut with me.. i can never accept this is the truth..

i will still be waiting for you, i don't believe everything has come to an end for we really love each other.. there will be future if you give us a chance.. the very last chance to this relationship.. i will not change my status to single as i really wants you back.. no matter how long it takes, i will be waiting for you like you do for me in the past.. during these times i will change myself to be a better person..

last but not least, dear, i really love you alot.. this is the 1st time i ever felt so much in love.. i treasure everything you have done for me and will never let it come to a past..

dear, i love you.. please don't let this chapter of story come to an end..
i starved myself for 51hour till now..

i have just taken a love test..
it somehow truly describe me..

Dear junxuan,You are a person who needs a partner who is responsible financially with an education, who will share responsibilities with you, support you emotionally and keep up with the heat and romance. Effort is a big thing for you and you need to see efforts being made by your partner often. Lack of efforts makes you feel like you may not be worth it in your partner's eyes and can cause problems in your relationship. Just remember that your partner can only do what he/she knows and cannot read your mind. If your partner is investing effort, but not quire as much as you would like, or not in a way that makes you feel special, just talk to him/her. Let your partner know that you love him/her and appreciate that he/she does for you, but also need and desire more. Then tell him/her what those needs and desires are. Open and honest communication with your partner will help your relationship grow into a more close and loving one. Understanding and caring about each other needs is key to making a relationship work.