happy ox year to all..

the first day of new year i'm staying at home alone..
eyes were red and swollen..
i couldn't take nothing has happen.. i'm not a disposable tissue paper.. don't treat me as her substitute..
i'm still waiting for an answer from you..

sometimes i also don't know what happen to me.. i'm indulging in liqour and spending time in pubs very often..i even smoke.. i hope to lessen the pain in the fastest time.. ha.. i can hardly recognise myself now..

i'm deeply hurt by you this time..
you said you still have feelings for me and you have never forgotten about me but now you're wooing samantha.. you have never forgotten about me.. you say you don't know what you want..

whatever that i've said to you hope that you will think about it,have a serious thought.. if you're serious with her you should open up yourself to her.. right now both of you won't be able to see each other weakness as both of you are flirting with each other.. you are enjoying this feeling cause it makes you feel good there's someone who cares and talk to you..
it's only when she see your strength and weakness, then there's love.. i don't know how close both of you are walking now but i know it's not simple..
you have to solve your own problems first..

i know both of you are walking very closely now, you even bring her to your friends.. everything is all about her now, even pictures.. when you said that you were talking on the hp with you papa, i know you're lying.. all along you're talking to her, even when in pub you also sms her..
i don't blame you for having her in your life cause at this moment she brighten up your life.. but is that love or affections for her? cause at this point of moment she happen to come into your life, you're using her to forget about us?
you can't have the both of us, you can't run away from your true feeelings..
think about it seriously..

till now i have nothing to say, you can't give me an answer..what you've done to me last night was totally hurting, you can pretend nothing happen but feeling don't fake.. you are totally lost in your life, i hope you will be able to find an answer soon..

right now take this time to think seriously about it.. contact me only when you know what you want in your life and don't lie to yourself.. you will only be making yourself miserable, no one else will know.. i will still be there for you and never did i forsake you..

what i said today might not be pleasant to your ear and might piss you off, but there's no point i'm hiding from you to let you know more about yourself.. have a serious thought about it, i won't be gaining anything..
only people who cares will only speak the truth about your strength and weakness( truth is not nice pleasant words that soothe your ears), if someone only tell you your strength but not your weakness is that really what you want to hear? in the end you will still gain nothing in terms of freindship and relationship..

thanks for the time you have spend with me last night, taking me home when i'm drunk.. i do appreciate that..

i'm just too hurt to do anything now.. seeing you in this situation i can't feel any better as well.. its only when people they care for you, they feel for you..

today is reunion dinner but this is the saddest reunion dinner, i've been crying since the morning, not able to sleep.. last year i miss the reunion dinner with your family cause i had food poisoning, you said never mind there's still chance, this year there will be 7 members eating this dinner.. but everything has gone with the bubbles..

really disappointed in everything..
you can speak up for her whom you just known for less than 3 months instead of speaking up for me when we were together when kailian say things to hurt me.. how hurting can that be.. you message me in the middle of the night just to tell me our relationship ended has nothing to do with her.. previously whe we were together you did not speak up for me when she say things that were untrue and causes hurt to me..
you known me for 7 years, am i really the sort of person?
till now, what she has said about me the words and hurts are still so vivid..

the world is just full of reality.. the appearance always looks so beautify but the inner side is full of scheming plan,its just so disgusting..

i missed my appointment with the psychiatry today.. i did not went..
the fear of seeing psychiatry alone was so deeply inrooted.. i could see other doctor alone for their appointment but not this appointment..
i'm really afraid.. i want to get myself treated but i need a support cause i cannot imagine the outcome after i see the psychiatry.. you should know what is the problem that lead me to this.. i should have agreed to seeing psychiatry in the past when you wanted me to get cured..
it's my regret.. because of the problem it has not been solved,it led to my eating disorder then to further problem..

i don't know if you will still accompany for this appointment.. i'm fear of being rejected by you.. cause you're the only person knowing the real problem therefore i prefer you accompanying me there, i don't wish others to know..
i guess this request is too much.. i'm not expecting for an answer..
i will try to get it through myself..

saw something which i should not have seen..
i'm stumbled by words.. everything has a conclusion now..

days were not getting any much better when i'm trying to fight against the illness and there's pest pulling me down.. i'll take it as past of the test that God wants me to go through.. thanks for making me stronger..

still deciding whether to go for tommorow appointment anot.. it seems like i'm visiting SGH so often.. there's so many appointment..

a few more days to new year, but i'm not in the least looking forward to it.. this new year will be a very hot topics for my 'relatives' asking me tons of questions..
i'm gonna stay at home to stay out of the questioning..
i just got to get through this new year and i won't be seeing them.. YEAH!!

had a talk with my best friend today..
we haven't been contacting for 1month plus..
i'm really happy for her..
*ruyou, i'm really proud of you..
you have overcome your illness and solve out the differences between you and him.. somethings to tell you, girl, dun be silly, i am really happy for you and i am not angry when i know the both of you are together.. cause you finally come to realise the problem and faced it bravely together with him.. i'm really proud of you.. this journey won't be easy but don't lose hope and hang on to it.. it wasn't an easy journey for the both of you, treasure it.. he's a good guy,despite of your illness, he did not give up on you, he understand you and gave you the support as needed.. its not easy to find someone like him to understand..
we will get well together..*

i've been fighting hard against my illness for long but i will get well.. i want to get myself treated and not bounded by the past.. this illness has been following me for quite some times.. very few people can understand about this illness.. i have friends fighting with me but in the end they give me up cause they don't understand about it.. tempermental change,mood swing heavily,depression,no confidence and irregular eating etc.. are the symptoms of these illness.. they are very hard for us as patients to control and deal with it cause at time we don't even know why we behave this way.. its incontrollable.. some may say for tempermental change is due to our bad temper that we had already, mood swing heavily you can control and eating just eat on time, don't starve or overeat.. but the fact is above all the symptoms: we can't control it ourself and we don't want it to happen this way either, at times we don't even know why we react this way.. people like us have very low confidence in ourself and we are very concern about our figure..

even though people around us may say: huh? you look very thin le.. you sure you still want to lose weight?
but the fact is we still find ourself very fat and we couldn't find any answer for it why we felt it this way.. we often need to find acceptance and approval by others..that's why you can hear us complaining about our weight all the time.. if there's a person coming to us unknowingly saying this to us: "hey, you seem to gain some weight since the last time i saw you".. i can tell you this is a very very very serious and we mind about this alot.. or i should say we mind alot about all the neative feebacks about us.. all these will/somehow will affect normal people and they say that its a casual comment.. but this word to us has deeply hurt
and inrooted in our mind, it can hardly be removed... we will keep pondering this again and again.. unless there's someone holding onto us and make us regain the confidence back..
if we can find the answer how to make us regain our confidence and how to make us this that our weight is normal, we have succeeded in fighting this battle half..

having this illness, i gain and lose some friends.. those who stay will be my real friends and those who chose to leave i have never blame them cause they don't understand about this illness.. i'm posting this because i hope that people who are reading this will get some understanding about this illness and help their friends for fighting this illness and help to get their friends get treated for this illness if they have the syptoms right now..below is a link to this illness..
http://www.something-fishy.org/isf/signssymptoms

TGIF.. have a great weekend tommorrow..

there are many things that cannot be explained and there's no answer for it..
i know you have already given up on us totally..

i clearly know now, a treasured relationship is when the both party couldn't bear to leave each other, that's why when they faced problems they are willing to solve it together and hold each other through to change for the better, because they can't afford to lose each other.. that's why both party willing to put in their effort in the r/s.. however if one party decided to give up, no matter how hard you tried there's no point..

there's someone places a more important heart right now.. but how can someone whom you hardly know for 3months be taken up by our friendship or relationship.. i know you are walking very closely with Samantha now.. she's now the reason for your ups and downs..
i'm wishing you happiness for you and her..