i'm so proud for myself.. i have been rather faithful for the past few months.. been attending service and CG..

everyday i pray for strength to be stronger, wisdom to settle my things.. i can say my things have became complicated till the way i can no longer handle it on my own.. lord, i have you have your plans for me, i pray that i'll be able to solve the problems that i faced in my work.. things have changed.. there's too many many things for me to cope on my own..

want to thanks those people who have supported me all along the way.. for those who don't understand me and have been discouraging me and making many comments behind my back,i hope that you guys will considered about other feelings.. put yourself into others shoes..if you guys don't know anything just keep your mouth shut..

i'm feeling so much pressurised..
i miss my late grandma.. really filled with regrets even till now its been 4years past since she passed away.. till now i can't forgive myself, i really missed her alot, at times i will really think of her and tears would still roll down.. i can still remember vaguely.. its because of my laziness that i lose the last chance to see my grandma.. like every other people, we thought that our loved ones are still around in this world and they won't be leaving.. because of this thought, i lose the chance of visiting and talking to her.. a few days ago, she was still alive kicking.. but 2 days later, she pass away.. what had actually happened?
i'm so unfillial, my grandma used to dote on me so much but because of my laziness i lost the chance to visit her for life..
no one has ever know about this at all, even till now, i will still teared whenever i think of her.. especially whenever people ask me to eat,especially my grandma.. cause i know she will never be able to call me to eat anymore.. ah ma, R.I.P, you're forever remembered..
i have to let everything in my life go..

tears just couldn't help but keep rolling down my cheek..
i felt i'm such a failure as a friend.. when i'm down i couldn't find anyone to share my sadness.. unlike others they could find someone to share their joy and happiness..
am i really a loner in this world? no one is there to console me when i'm down..
i know i shouldn't be asking anything much from you as a friend right now but i really have no one to turn to.. i know we can't be the friend that we used to be anymore.. this is one of the greatest regret that i ever had.. if ever i knew we would be this i would never allow myself to be with you from the start.. all i asked right now is i hope that we will be the friend like before..how i wish that nothing has ever happen.. you will still be there to share my ups and downs.. i hate to see the outcomes of us now..

all along i thought i'm a strong girl and i could get through all the things.. i could put you down and carry on with my life but i was wrong.. i realise how lonely my life is.. i have no one around.. i really learn my lesson but this time round i paid a heavy price..

looking back at my life, i remember that day chef nordin tell me this: xuan, you're not the xuan that i used to know, i can sense that you''re not happy.. i was shock when i heard that cause the whole night i was smiling but he can say that to me..
reflecting back, i understood what he meant by that, from the past, i was really a happy go lucky girl.. always putting on a smile and bringing joy to others but not now..
i try to find the old me but i couldn't.. i've lose my own self..
many times i tried to killed myself, but i failed.. there seem to be someone telling me that i'm selfish.. by choosing to end my life, i will bring up suffering to many others who cared for me.. instead of being selfish and ending up your life why can't you just be the only one who is suffering?

today is the most tormenting day of my life..how i wish that this day would never come.. i know i should be looking forward and not look back anymore.. but it really hurts... why the opposite of love is hurt?
the hurtest thing in this world is love.. do i really still have confidence in love the next time? will i be able to brace up and accept a new love?

whenever i see couples so loving and cuddling each other walking down the street, tears would roll down my cheek.. i would think of us .. how we teased and make fun of each other.. i warned myself many times not to let my tears roll down i got to be strong but i still failed.. the night is the lonliest and darkest moment of the day, this is the time that memories of us will run through my mind.. days that we spend together in the past was so happy and fufilling.. will you still ever think of us?

i did something wrong yesterday.. i'm sorry, i shouldn't have said those things to you on that night.. i really don't what make me say that and i don't really remember what i've said.. i shouldn;t have said those thing to you.. i drank a bit much that night..
will we still be friends?

i don't wish to hold on to you, but i really can't take all these.. everything happens so fast and no sign of warning.. so many things is happening to me.. i couldn't find someone to shoulder for me..
work,family,financial,r/s and many... can someone teach me how to let go? just opening your hands and it will go off?

i prayed everyday, i pray for strength to be stronger each day..
i felt like a failure, nothing was sucessful in my life.. i wish that i can find someone to talk to at times but i couldn't find someone.. work wasn't successful..
i wish my mum wouldn't be holding 2 jobs so that she can spend some time with me like in the past, we will talk things out.. i wish my dad would find a job and not staying at home and my mum wouldn't be so tiring.. whenever i see my mum working early in the morning till late night, i couldn't help but blame my dad.. i don't like to see him jobless and not doing anything to contribute to the family, he's a man and he should provide for us.. i wish i have a successful career so that my mum won't be working so hard now.. but i couldn't.. the illness that i have now is robbing my future.. my future has been destroyed.. i can't fulfil my dream anymore.. all these cruel facts are so devastating to me..

i'm planning for futher study and i mean FURTHER study.. i'll be going oversea to study.. my family will not be able to provide for me now.. i'll be taking up bank loan.. if everything goes well i might not be coming back anymore.. nothing here makes me hold back anymore.. i hope to start a new life afresh over there..

do you know how i hated today.. i should say i fear...
6 months ago i had already book a hotel to celebrate our 1yr anniversary..
i already made all the arrangement.. all along i did not tell you because i want it to be a surprise..
but now?
so many things you have done to make me given up on you..
do you know how hurt i am?
is that what you really want?
i know myself very clearly, if you continue to do this i will defintely break down you should know what i mean.. i will land myself in _____ again..
i really cannot take all these anymore..
just give me support..

went to church in the morning today..
had some things to share with you guys of what i've learnt from today sermon.. hope it will help you guys out if you are blindly pursuuing of something.. =)

1st question: ask yourself what are your possession in this world?
2nd question: is it really more to life than this?

after you've answered the above question lets come back to the topic.
nowadays, people possessions are pda phone, cars, career, house, etc...
but will our passion for all this last? the answer is NO! why?
because when we get what want we will want to achieve more of it.. in the end we will be blinded by all this worldly possession and pursuing blindly.. all these things will not last with us forever and it will not bring us joy in it.. as our passion for it is only for that moment, as it only satisfy our selfish needs.. when we're pursuing it, have we ever neglected people around us?

lets take career for example.. we're investing lots of time in our career and in the end who are we neglecting? our spouse? family? friends?
its good that we're working hard for our career but sometimes we really need to slow down our footstep and take a look at the people beside us, spending times with them and not only revolving your life with only work.. all these are things that money cannot bring us joy in it.. always be happy and contented with what you have.. don't blindly pursue for things that will not bring you eternal joy nor it will make you secure.. as it will only make you blinded by it and making yourself not happy by working very hard for that something.. in the end, you're a slave working very hard for your 'possession'..
yes, i don't deny that it will bring you pride and joy but does the joy really last? life is more than our self-centered pursuit..

well.. i guess what i've said isn't really convincing.. pardon me for having a bad memory to memorise everything..
i'll continue to blog it the next time i remember=)

have been hearing many things lately.. the questions that i hated people to ask me nowadays will be.. 1) what are you working as/ how's your work? 2) what have you been doing? staying the WHOLE day at home? 3) never go and hunt for a job? 4) your company approve SO many days of hospitalisation leave?
sry... i don't wish to make any comment on this question.. this is the greatest fear question that i ever faced.. cause people are making many comments on me and i feel i really can no longer take it.. just leave me alone for this question and till i'm comfortable i will discuss it freely with you guys.. i'm really breaking down on this question.. i don't know how people will judge me though there's still people out there who are more of concern ,rather then curiosity to this question but just leave me alone and spare me out for this question if you guys are really my friend and want to help me to get well.. whenever this question is being dropped on me there will be many other endless question following up and many why why why..
i'm sorry but please just help me by not asking this question..

nothing can ever express my feelings right now.. everybody say its time that i ever needed.. don't give me the crap no one understand all the things that i'm going through right now..
how long do i ever need to put down everything..?i already given up hope.. i know i have to love myself right now but i hate myself..
i tried numbing myself with liqour.. i know it won't cure but at that very moment i can feel high and i can at least get to sleep.. i even tried to smoke which i hated the most..

i have so much things to say to you just now but i don't know why i will keep missing out things that i wanted to tell you.. even when i'm really sick just now i also make myself appear i'm ok in front of you.. i really held my emotions and i really thought that i will be much stronger this time, i won't teared.. i tried holding back my tears but in the end tears came before what i can say.. i just don't understand how can things become this way? there's no solution? the best solution that you guys can say is : time will heals everything, you just have to let go..
crap, crap,crap! i once thought x'mas is the happiest moment but right now it's the festival that i ever most afraid of.. its like rubbing salt into my wound!

i just hope that people saying these can put themself into my shoes.. everything that i've gone through so far till now isn't what all people of my age have gone through.. people who know me will know that my life isn't a smooth journey from the past till now.. sometimes people will be telling me i can't imagine someone so young like you have been through so much..
those who really knows me will know how much of effort i have been putting in, so if you don't know me you shouldn't judge me or make comment about me.. just because of something that come out from mouth will make me suffer for as long till i leave this world.. a casual comment coming out from your mouth can be a hurting statement to someone for life.. this statement is dedicated especially to those girls who hurt me very deeply..
i just don't know why i don't have 'girl' friends there will be many comments and bad things said about me.. i have never thought of fighting with them for anything.. i tried to be nice to everyone but somehow i expect 'something' in return.. hurting comments..

in the past, i hardly update my blog cause i don't want those who cared about me to worry so i keep all the things to myself but now i really cannot take it..

i just vomitted a few times.. i don't know why i never had anything for just now and there's still things to throw up.. still having fever and headache.. throat is damn irritating and so much phlegm inside..
keep waking up during the sleep cause keep vomitting..

don't say we're friends when we're not..
don't say you care for me when you don't..
don't say when you need someone to accompany you'll be there and you're not there..
don't say its impossible when you're giving up..
don't say you trust me when you don't..
don't avoid me when you say you won't..

STOP hurting me!

i don't know when and how long i need to recover.. it may be as long as till i leave this world.. or i will leave anytime.. by then i'm really tired and have fallen..
no one can ever see my effort on how hard i'm bracing myself getting onto my feets..
no matter how strong i am i will eventually fall..

right now is the time i really need some one to hold me, but you're leaving me in a lurch.. i know things have changed but just treat me like a friend like how you have always treated me as before.. you don't have to avoid me.. i just need suppport as a friend.. is that really difficult? how sad the reality can be when a couple after break off worse then even a friend..

i have always believe in you that why no matter how insecure i am, i have never raise my doubt in you.. all along i have been keeping inside my heart.. where on earth will someone tell their bf, 'dear i feel insecure with you but i trust you, i have lost confidence in myself.. how am i suppose to tell you that day i back out for the buffet is because when i see her i felt inferior.. i felt so zi bei i lose to her in everything... i felt the way she dress and my dressing is so different and i can't be anyway better than her..
i don't deny that at times i will try to do things to gain your attention.. all along even when the moment that i'm feeling insecure and the days i had so much things to shouldered on my own i never tell you..sometimes i don't know how i am suppose to tell you, but i still will try to do things that will please or bring a smile to you.. all this just to hope that it will bring joy to you and you will forget unpleasant things i did to secure your attention.. all i need is just an assurance from you.. it does not need to be something big but simple things like holding my hands when with them, a pooh hug saying 'sa gua' don't anyhow think, a kiss on the lips.. that's it.. that's what i need..

saying all these are just far too late to amend anything.. if only i could turn back time..
i would never be able to forgive myself as all these i realise these too late.. you have sentenced deadth to me..

i'm so lost in my life..
i smile i laugh and i joke.. i put on a brave front in front of people but am i really happy?
till that day S ask are you really happy? i know i cannot take it anymore.. cause i clearly know the answer myself.. i did something silly, i know i'm with them and i can trust them so i tend to drink a bit more.. i drank very fast and guess what? i'm K.O once again.. thanks to R for sending me back and S shoulder.. at first just really want to go there to relax and K-ing.. but who knows in the end i can't help to let my emotions run over me once again..

HR people called me in the noon.. they want me to make a decision fast now.. i'm confused.. initially i was very determined to leave the company but why am i holding on to my decision now? isn't that what i had always wanted?
the only reason why i'm holding on to the job is because i want to prove that i have really change.. i don't want people to think that just because of those comments and you really leave? this is the real world reality, in order to survive in work you have to be prepared for all this stuff.. grow up!

i'm really trying very hard to stay on to the job till now even Dr Lee feel all this is just far too much.. i've fallen.. everyday i'm tolerating.. whenever she scolds or yell at me i will smile back or pretend nothing happen and just continue my work.. no matter how angry i am i won't retaliate..
but i have my own temper and a limit to certain extent just because i never retaliate she do things even worse.. how long can i really last and cope with all this? people who know me will know that this is not me, i will defintely won't tolerate with all her nonsense and barking and i make sure she shut her mouth immediately.. whenever she try to provoke me i will always remember one thing from ashley: 'she's just a dog without an owner'
i won't forget how she curse me after the 1st day i discharge from hospital and say things to my colleague: 'huh? she's not here today ar? i don't have people to scold again'.

those who knows what i've gone through in the office will ask me to leave immediately.. i know if i can stay on to the job i will defintely make sure i perform very well and make sure she's under me the next time. i'm not seeking revenge i just want to prove to her that no matter what she has done to me in the past will not make me down and i can be stronger then she think..

right now i really need someone to talk to and some advice.. will you be there?

i'm back from doctor appointment..
i'm given 61days hospitalisation leave instead of mc.. dr lee diagnose was i had d_____.. i was given a choice either to work or to take leave.. she say my condition was worsen from the time she last seen me while i was hospitalise..
however, if i were to work i have to take the medicine to protect myself..

physciatry was referred to me..

i'm in a dilemma, i don't know what i am supposed to do.. whether to continue to work or take the leave and leave the compay which i can no longer stand.. there's so many factor that i have to take into consideration.. if i were to leave now i would be irresponsible, next week there will be 5people on leave.. nobody covering the duty.. should i leave after next week? but can i really tolerate till next week?

can someone advise me? i'm really lost..

really couldn't take evrything that is happening in my life.. it's so stressful..
work wasn't a smooth one.. try imagining my job, within 5 months 3people left my position.. i'm e 4th person who is staying at this post.. am i really that picky and choosy?

everyday i will be barked by the bitch, for no reason..even what i had for breakfast can also be a topic that can be commented and said.. in the office, i felt so small, being barked and yelled for no reason by her, even things that she previously did and pass on to me, there's some mistake and i spotted also can be my fault.. hey! can someone just help me? she's so unresonable.. all these are not the worse.. i felt no privacy and respect.. e most basic respect in office is do not touch one's table/desk w/o permission.. but she did, everytime after i left, she will go and check my things and change the position of my things..

i don't mind doing many things cause i know i will be learning something but at least somebody teach me before letting me do! she pass everything to me without teaching me asking me to figure out on my own, when i ask she will bark say everything there.. after i had it done when there's mistake she will say, can don't try to act smart? don't know anything must ask, not doing things according to how you feel it should be done.. its just so unreasonable.. the reason why she's not teaching me is because she pass all the things to me and WATCHING HK DRAMA!! that's why whenever i ask her she's not willing to tell me!

the most sickening part is she even rumage the rubbish bin, she went to check what i throw! hey! that's really ridiculous.. everyday she will come to my table as and when she like, just take things from my station without asking permission.. or come and see what i have done.. this is just too sick, i felt being watched..

i'm damn tired right now, sat went drinking and came back at 6plus.. did not had a good rest.. work in office is just so stressful, everyday i have endless things for me to do and i still need to tolerate those barkings..

i'm going for my medical appointment tommorrow, i just had a very bad feeling.. i might need to stay over there.. imagine how 'great' my office people are.. my medical appointment at 1030 but they want me to go back to office to work for an hour first than go medical appointment, after appointment go back office.. by the time i travel through and fro i think i'm already dead beat.. can't they just approve my unpaid leave?