tears just couldn't help but keep rolling down my cheek..
i felt i'm such a failure as a friend.. when i'm down i couldn't find anyone to share my sadness.. unlike others they could find someone to share their joy and happiness..
am i really a loner in this world? no one is there to console me when i'm down..
i know i shouldn't be asking anything much from you as a friend right now but i really have no one to turn to.. i know we can't be the friend that we used to be anymore.. this is one of the greatest regret that i ever had.. if ever i knew we would be this i would never allow myself to be with you from the start.. all i asked right now is i hope that we will be the friend like before..how i wish that nothing has ever happen.. you will still be there to share my ups and downs.. i hate to see the outcomes of us now..

all along i thought i'm a strong girl and i could get through all the things.. i could put you down and carry on with my life but i was wrong.. i realise how lonely my life is.. i have no one around.. i really learn my lesson but this time round i paid a heavy price..

looking back at my life, i remember that day chef nordin tell me this: xuan, you're not the xuan that i used to know, i can sense that you''re not happy.. i was shock when i heard that cause the whole night i was smiling but he can say that to me..
reflecting back, i understood what he meant by that, from the past, i was really a happy go lucky girl.. always putting on a smile and bringing joy to others but not now..
i try to find the old me but i couldn't.. i've lose my own self..
many times i tried to killed myself, but i failed.. there seem to be someone telling me that i'm selfish.. by choosing to end my life, i will bring up suffering to many others who cared for me.. instead of being selfish and ending up your life why can't you just be the only one who is suffering?